Monday, September 17, 2007


Why is it that men just don't understand women. I mean I get it, we're two different species ( essentially). Men even have their own language. It isn't until you point blank tell them something that they fully grasp the concept of what is being said to them, or in many cases just not saying anything at all.
It has been a miserable week at my house, and well that's not all that unusual. Yes, my husband busts his butt at work. I am home with the kids, well our daughter when my son is at school, I cook, clean, and do all of those home life responsibilities on top of trying to figure out how to get a job and work as well. There is rarely an appreciation for what I do accomplish in a 24 hour period of time. Cleaning is generally a lost cause, because my daughter loves to destroy a clean room ( like when I am done with this I have to re-mop my floor as there is water from the dogs dish and yoo hoo covering it) , and get out the brand new magic erasers, take a picture of her "artwork" and then scrub it off the walls and door.

My thing is that we wish we could teach our boys how to be good men. Something that is hard to do, when the men in their lives don't always understand what life is like while they are working. They are not always good role models to their sons ( not for lack of trying).
But often times for a man to understand the full repercussions of their actions, they need to be told exactly what you are feeling at the time.
I love my husband, but he has officially been given an ultimatum, and knows now what will happen if he doesn't attempt to abide by it. There is more than he could ever understand going through my mind at the moment, but when you are so close to giving up it is past the point of needing to say something. I know I am in no way perfect. I am not one to enjoy cleaning, matter of fact I hate doing dishes and putting clothes away, I hate it so much I wish I had the ability to twitch my nose and "poof" its done. Yes, I spend time on the computer, but it's not my life. I use a blog to vent my feelings, and to keep my family and friends posted on the life of my children. I drink way too much coffee to make it through my day. I smoke too many cigarettes ( as 1 is too many) I am 25 years old and still have little clue as to what I want to be when I grow up, although reading teacher is starting to look like something I would enjoy. I'd love to be a writer or journalist, but know that takes a "special" person and I am not so sure I am that special. I am a mom of two kids, who wishes I could work from home, and wishes my husband fully understood me. I wish I knew how to verbally express my opinions, instead the words just flow on to paper or screen. I have no tears to cry, I have very little left to think or say about my situation other than what has already been said. I just don't know how to feel any more.
It's to a point of just being. I try so hard to make everyone happy and still manage to fail someone.
I am no longer living in waiting. I will make plans and do things with or without my children( no I won't be leaving them, but I am capable of hiring a babysitter if I need to for a few hours) on my own. I do have friends and family I can visit, when I want. I am going to find a job some how, some where, and I don't need anyone's permission. I am standing up for myself, and that's the way life will be from now on. It's just past time.

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